Was it really so much to hope for a single owl or something, anything? I had to cave and tell my parents about Hogwarts since they want me to come home for the holiday. It will be a good excuse to stay. I don't think I can face them like this. I'm barely holding it together long enough for classes. Someone left lunch plans dinner outside of my office the last few days but just the smell of food made my stomach queasy. Edith tried to write me but I sent her owl back and Mags hasnt spoken to me in awhile. That's just fine with me. I can't handle anymore of her ridiculous accusations right now about me or otherwise. End of term is coming up fast and I need to focus. All of my work has been shoved aside as it is. I hate this.
I can't bring myself to get rid of this drawing. I came across it trying to get ready for work with some students this afternoon
but I couldn't even bring myself to stay and dish out a detention, it was driving me cray. So.. I went to Meridian after and stood there like a helpless savant just staring at the windows hoping a curtain would shift and he would be in there and I wouldn't have to go up to the door myself. I wanted to, I did but. What is happening to me.. he should have written me. I can't even go to Scrivenshaft's without everyone staring and whispering. One of the shop attendants actually huffed at me yesterday and turned her nose up when I asked for extra quills like it was some ridiculous request. It wasn't until I left and heard her say Helene's name that I realized what the problem was. Me. I might have to ask Rose to get any orders for me in town that won't come by owl from now on.
Six. Six letters today but oh no not from him, from home. My parents mostly but one from Maisie and another from Gran. Mum has a sneaking suspicion something else is going on but I can't tell her. I don't know if she heard something or worse my father from the Ministry.. these people are truly ridiculous to do nothing but spread gossip! Gran was even long winded about her severe disappointment when hearing of course.. from my mother about leaving for Hogwarts. I would have thought they would be happy I'm teaching and around kids. No, I'm just playing around according to her instead of getting my priorities sorted aka a man. That only made things worse and bring up..him.
I have a ton of pre-holiday work to grade and the greenhouses need to be ready for next term. I don't want to spend all break in there by myself. Though that does sound nice... Rose might worry however if I become a hermit.
I may hex his head right off his perfectly broad shoulders if I see him. Alright not.. entirely.... true. But what did I do? I wonder if it was the kiss? I'm such an idiot. So so.. so dumb. Rose and I are heading into Hogsmeade
to get some errands done for the holiday and I can't fight this need.. want.. whatever it may be, wish? That he and I could do that.. walk down to town and enjoy each other's company. It made me think of that question he asked. If I had more time.. well- I want more time.
I went to the Ministry
to catch up and have lunch with the old man today. My hands are still shaky so I'm unsure if my writing is going to really hold the entire entry but... He was there. I have no idea what is going on with the universe 'slingshot' us back and forth. I have a bit of a headache from it though it isn't in a negative, I feel sick way. Just kind of a lightheaded dizzy feeling as if I'm coming down from all the adrenaline. I'm still in disbelief that today happened. We were able to talk, after some arguments and back and forth. I... I should have written him. Apparently Germany did not go very well and as for all the things that were said to me, well... that was cleared up in short order. I know there has to be more but I'm not going to pry. We settled on some version of... friends? Had lunch and the way he- I don't know. I'm going to need to talk to Rose!!
December 20th Eoghan came to Hogwarts
to help with organizing some of the greenhouse while the student's are away. It was so good to catch up with him again, though I'm pretty sure my attitude left him somewhat annoyed, hah. Ah well... I can't help it. Yesterday really did something to me and I had to tell someone before I exploded so unfortunately for him he was the victim of my babbling. What are brothers and best friends for?
I think I'm in trouble. What have I gotten myself into, honestly? Odhrán needed my help at Meridian
, of course I went... In my defense it seemed more of an emergency than it was. He had a patient that was... well.. I can't even write it let alone think it. I'm sure it's the reason I'm not going to really sleep and not the fact he is downstairs on my couch. Just to give a proper example as to just how much trouble I'm in. Things got a little out of control... and I suppose that is my fault. Let me rephrase that, I got out of control. I don't know what came over me and I'm scared to admit that I don't even care what it was, it felt amazing. Thinking about it makes my hands shake or maybe that's just nerves from having a man in my house that isn't my father this far into the evening. He said some things and I just... I couldn't wake him up and make him go home, not like that. And if I'm being completely and utterly honest with myself I feel safer with him being here. I guess that's a bit selfish again on my part... ugh. We're supposed to be friends but I can't shake this desire to want more. What am I going to do..?
I'd love to say I won't be able to sleep tonight after today but I'm so exhausted between holidays and the last couple days in general. I can barely keep my eyes open writing. Keeping this going however, has been a good way to make sure I'm not going completely mental. I had every intention of just having a lazy day doing prep for term but someone sent a note through floo asking about an actual date! Did a little castle tour at Mallow
and was interrupted by some Muggles, that was exciting. I've never seen Odhrán so animated! It was-well I have no words. Then we went to this gorgeous place with Irish marble all over and baths.. and-for lack of a better word it was truly magical. Ridiculous, I know. Anyway, things seemed to be going really well despite a snag here or there. We actually were able to talk a little more about 'us' and whatever that means. I'll admit I've been riding that high all day of 'us.'
Finished all my term prep so I finally feel free to focus more on some things at home. Wrote to Odhrán and we chatted a bit through floo the other day, though he is awfully busy and the conversations are quite short. The last couple of times I mentioned floo he was too busy to meet. He did say things would be hectic. I still can't help but feel a tad worried that I might have pushed him? I hope he isn't overdoing it, I might send another letter just to keep in touch.
The end of another year! Insane to look back and see how things were at the start and then be here now. Having a little something with some of the students who stayed behind. I think I might be attempting to convince myself it's more for them than it is me. Keep myself busy and not be alone on the holiday. I doubt they want to be as well, a dinner and some music and sweets couldn't hurt. Even if my mother disagrees. I'm sure I'll hear from her soon about it. Oh well! Here's to the new year and the end of a decade!